I love the wide variety of brilliant ways our life lessons show up to help us on and off of the proverbial cliff, the ‘Growth Edge’ of Self-Realization. Sometimes I’m not sure if an experience I’m having is a real life lesson or if it’s just something I’m filling my time, days, and life with…the fru-fru and fluff. The fru-fru and fluff can be those things that ‘look like’ I am busy and on task or it can be the emotional origins of past wounds and traumas.
How will I know if ‘this’ is a life lesson experience or if ‘this’ is a weak attempt to get what I want when I want it?
Recently, I was in a certification class and as a group we were discussing a not so positive pattern I had been working on to heal, release and and align with a more positive pattern. My pattern had to do with starting a project or new behavior and then stopping midway and never completing it. I have seen this pattern over and over again in many areas of my life and I really and truly wanted to understand it and exchange it for a more positive, healthy and productive pattern.
As we talked about each of the heavy, negative, excuses, I was able to feel the pressure and stress that these beliefs had been creating in my body. I knew how heavy they were in my mind…the blame, shame, judgement, criticism, frustration, anger, and self-judgement were all too familiar to me. Enough was enough! I had been feeling more and more defeated and didn’t know what else to do to be able to be done with this way of being once and for all. My spirit was leading me into a whole new world.
At one point down that list, something happened. As the instructor was speaking and giving suggestions, a thought — a huge awareness, an ah-ha moment came to my attention. Hallelujah! I heard the words ‘instant gratification’ in my head. It was like a lightning bolt of inspiration that ran from my head to my heart– a connection I had not yet been able to put together until now. I was so excited!!
I could see how no matter what excuse I had rattled off in class as well as many times in the past, every single one of them came back to one core point of focus —
me getting the instant gratification and the high
With that realization of instant gratification being the end result, came the awareness of the “HIGH” I had also been searching high and low for. These ah-has came to me in an instant flash…like dominos!! In the split second everything made sense. The missing piece to the puzzle was found. I could see that after a few days or weeks, once the high was over, once the honeymoon high was over, then the crash came and I tumbled like Humpty Dumpty! Until the crash, it was all about getting the instant gratification and feeling the high!
What would I do then? Exactly!! Look for the next high, the next project that would give me that high. I could now see how this process had set up this devastating, self-defeating, self-sabotaging pattern of procrastination so often in my life. Was I setting myself up for success (the high)? Or failure (the crash)?
My process was now clear! New Idea. Take Action. Feel Instant Gratification. Feel the Almighty High.Lose the high. Crash. Seek another high.
The snowball rolled getting bigger and bigger as it barrelled through more and more territories in my life creating chaos and misery.
Can you relate to any of these excuses, beliefs, and behaviors? Do you use them somewhere in your life? Are they giving you instant gratification and a high?
- When the going gets tough, the tough get going…that’s NOT me.
- I quit on myself in the middle of a project or process.
- In the beginning of whatever it is I’m doing, I’m excited. Gungho. Then a few hours, days or weeks into it, the honeymoon is over, the joy is out of it, and I’m becoming less interested, or its ‘too hard’ or ‘I don’t’ wanna’ pattern of excuses comes up.
- The F-its. I don’t feel like it. I want to do it my way.
- I ‘fall’ and don’t get back up quickly. I stay down for a long time. My judgments about how long is a long time.
- The all or nothing pattern. The all or nothing mentality. Its gotta be perfect or I’ll do nothing at all.
- I lose steam in the middle part of ‘something’ be it a program, a book, or setting a daily plan to follow.
- When I am creating new higher vibration patterns and I need consistency and follow through, my pattern is to give up, quit on myself in the middle.
- The gap in the middle slows me down.
- My efforts are ‘hit and miss’.
- All of my excuses show up in the gap, in the middle part. The yuck language.
- I don’t want to do this. I don’t wanna. I don’t feel like it. It’s too hard.
- I’m not perfect. When I feel less than perfect I give myself permission to binge and eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I binge and cheat on abstinent foods.
- Because I’ll have to be compliant tomorrow, I’m going to eat everything I can today. I manipulate the system I’ve chosen to follow. Finding loopholes so I can cheat. Where was that getting me? **This is the one that really was the brick on my head; the awareness of the INSTANT GRATIFICATION piece of this challenge.**
- I become a recluse. This sabotages my quality of life–personal and business.
- I talk myself out of ‘it’.
- I get the honeymoon high from the instant gratification and when I don’t feel that high anymore, I drop “THAT thing”and find something else to start on so I can get a high, feel the high. The excuses come when I’m looking for that high. I need the high.
I’ve been throwing emotional fits (F-its) for a very long time. These are all very immature, childlike responses to life. I didn’t realize it until I got those missing pieces.
I can’t begin to tell you the relief I felt just knowing what had been happening and why I could not find my way out of those shackles for most of my life! Now I know why I do what I do, I see it coming, and I have put into place other healthier highs that sustain my fulfilment and craving for the high. A natural high.
One major area where this pattern had been showing up in my life was around eating. I’ve dealt with body and weight issues since I was a pre-teen. I have searched for diets or quick fixes to help me feel better about myself and my life. My issues and pain around food are deeply rooted in my body, mind, and spirit. I had been truly hurting from the inside out for decades. I desperately wanted an understanding, an explanation, a long-lasting ‘fix’ to whatever it was that was ‘wrong’ with me. I now know that this is a major path that I have been on and finally within the last few years, I have the information and tools to true self-realization in this who big area.
How did I get from the fru-fru, fluffy immature, childlike attempts and quick fixes of instant gratification to these long-term permanent mature, adult changes? This too has been a gorgeous journey.
1.) I kept at it! I did not give up searching for THE ANSWERS that I needed…the answers that would set me free from the shackles of these patterns.
2.) I became willing to give up and surrender that whatever it was that I was doing or not doing was NOT working nor giving me the life I wanted to experience.
3.) I read about patterns. I learned as much as I could about how to break free from them. Was it really even possible for me?
4.) I talked with people who had overcome some similar challenges. I wanted freedom from my imaginary childlike, fru-fru and fluff.
5.) When I learned something new, I put that piece into my puzzle to see if it fit and it usually did.
6.) Now that I have the correct information for me, I can share these powerful pieces from my puzzle with others to see if they fit in one of their puzzles too.
7.) I lived and breathed by the Serenity Prayer.
accept the things I cannot change;
the Courage to change the things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.”
8.) I learned that I am so worthy of feeling great about myself, having the life of my dreams, and I AM A VALUABLE HUMAN BEING.
9.) I learned that I don’t have to suffer. I used to think that suffering and sacrifice were spiritual keys to get me to heaven.
10.) I considered the thought and belief that “I could be wrong about what I am thinking about myself and the reality I am creating based on those thoughts and beliefs.”
11.) I learned to listen with my heart, with kindness, and love to the voice of my inner child.
12.) I understood that for me, God knows the exact key to unlock the exact doors that will lead to the exact opportunities of healing, growth, and self-realization.
Now that I have walked this beautiful road inward, I am much more clearly able to see the dots and their connection to my Growth Edge and how the experiences led to so much Self-Realization. My inner journey to these truths has been paved with invaluable lessons and countless, priceless experiences. My eyes are open wider. My heart is open wider. I am eternally grateful.